Unconventional Gas

Like many a purple-faced hard-right chancer, Britain's late Head Boy is not the sort of chap to let his personal self-interest be polluted by such outmoded fripperies as pledges, promises and words of honour. The late Head Boy promised to prioritise the NHS, and then handed the NHS over to Andrew Lansley and some Turkey Twizzler salesmen. The late Head Boy promised to look after the vulnerable, and then presided over a precipitate fall in living standards. The late Head Boy promised to implement the findings of the Leveson inquiry, and then decided instead to prioritise the wishes of Rupert Murdoch and the Rothermere Daily Stürmer. The late Head Boy promised to fix the economy and stop his party banging on about Europe, and here we are. Having called the EU referendum, the late Head Boy promised to stay on and see things through no matter what the result, and then biffed off in a huff when the result failed to go his way. Having resigned the office of prime minister, the late Head Boy promised to see out the parliament and work for his constituents, but became bored within a week or two and decided that the voters were unworthy of his talents.

Now the late Head Boy has emerged from his humble garden shed to lament the mistreatment of fracking companies by those fixated on green crap. "I passionately believe that there is big potential for fracking and unconventional gas in Britain, which has some shale reserves that could make a real difference," burbled the late Head Boy and sometime pledger of the greenest government ever, to the well-known British environmental group American Fuel and Petrochemicals Manufacturers this week. It is certainly to be hoped that the late Head Boy hasn't rashly promised something, not to harried dupes like the British electorate or blithering cretins like the British Conservative Party, but to people who can actually hold him to account. One would hate to think of all the unplumbed hogsheads should his disappointed creditors deprive him of the wrong ounce of flesh.