That Damp Spot Where A Gove Doth Squat

There is, as everyone knows, nothing more unpatriotic, undemocratic and un-British than a government taking responsibility for what happens in its own country. The idea of constraining our democracy by imposing red tape on the future is so abhorrent to the national spirit that these days only a citizen of nowhere would dare suggest it. Doubtless this explains why, after the Environment Audit Committee called for a deposit-return scheme on plastic bottles and the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove gave it the rah-rah, Her Majesty's Government has now been constipated by a severe attack of planning. It would be uncharitable in this context to bazooka so barrelled a fish as the Brexit business; but the Department of Health can manage hand to mouth, the Department for Wog Control can deport on a whim, the Department of Workfare and Privation can place-kick paupers as it pleases, and the Foreign Office is headed by Boris Johnson. Only at the Department for the Environment does the Government tolerate planning; in this case because it wishes to hold a consultation on taxes to deter single-use plastics. The Government disapproves of taxes, and by an amusing coincidence the consultation, announced three months ago, shows no sign of being launched. In a similar spirit of dynamic non-mendacity, the Government has proclaimed that water companies are working towards creating a network of refill points, although the water companies have mentioned no such scheme; and, as an indication of how seriously the jabbering homunculus takes his present sinecure, the Government has also condescended to "work towards" eliminating plastic waste some time in the next quarter-century.