Britain's First

Will the political correctness of mere scientists never cease? Is there no depth of white-genocidal racism that cannot be plumbed by those paltry little pettinesses known as facts? The latest findings about the earliest modern Britons, which suggest a dark re-write of the prologue to our island story, would seem to suggest not. Mere historical evidence proclaims that the first inhabitants of these islands were immigrants from the Continent; mere documentary evidence suggests that they may not all have been fluent in the tongue that Shakespeare spoke; now, mere DNA evidence from a ten-thousand-year-old skeleton suggests that the original owner may not even have borne much physical resemblance to fine-complexioned folk such as the strutting ex-Caudillo of the Farage Falange. From the tone of his skin and hair, the ignorant savage may well have had the impudence to resemble Diane Abbott instead. Naturally, the findings have given rise to much muesli-fuelled celebration among enemies of the people and citizens of nowhere, whose sandalled smugness has blinded them to the crucial feature: namely the man's blue eyes, which obviously he must have inherited from a genuinely indigenous Briton. The man's very own mother may well have been the kind of girl to whom an upstanding patriot might in good conscience give a taxpayer-funded secretarial sinecure in return for sexual favours; but instead she was ruthlessly kidnapped and violated to the primitive rhythm of the bongo drums, only for EU-sponsored scientists to laugh and joke millennia later at the signals of her shame, thanks to the terminal, treasonous obstinacy of mere facts.