Break Out the Opium

Despite having perpetrated a hoax so hilarious that it melts roads in Australia, the Heathen Chinee still clearly have much to learn. In a calculated manoeuvre quite foreign to the disinterested idealism that pertains in Western politics, Xi Jinping has not only declared a war on poverty, but has made the primitive, literalist error of taking action to reduce poverty rather than increase it. Besides repressive interference with the housing market, the policy includes disincentivisation of initiative among the poor, some of whom may die of thirst when they realise they no longer have to carry their own water. To complete the blasphemous litany, there are even hints that the careers of government officials may depend on the results they obtain. Alongside other recent provocations by the Heathen Chinee, notably taking radical action against climate change and attempting to prevent nuclear war in Korea, such irresponsible conduct can only risk the displeasure of the Recrudescent Imperium of Westminster, Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands.