Non-Extreme Ultimate Values

Inaugurating the annual ding-dong-merrily-on-Winterval of Christian self-pity, the downtrodden and repressed occupier of a free seat in the House of Lords has blamed the individualistic materialism of secular schools for failing to indoctrinate potential junior Anglicans with appropriate British values. A chronic failure to push moral absolutes laid down by a supernatural being might even be helping to fuel the rise of extremism, according to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who has previously expressed bewilderment over the number of church-goers who are fans of the Trumpster. Rather than mere utilitarianism, which decrees that terrorism should be fought because the persistence of terrorism is to our disadvantage, the Archbishop would prefer a less functional approach, whereby terrorism would be fought because the persistence of terrorism is unprofitable to the Church of England. Reports of the salutary effect of the Archbishop's speech on ISIS and Britain First are, at the time of writing, yet to start flooding in.