Thick Whips and Punishment Beatings

The university is a cruel mistress. First there was the Heaton-Harris Letter, wherein a parliamentary prefect used the Big School notepaper to demand that universities name names regarding who might be questioning the meaning of Brexit (it's Brexit, for those who came in late), thereby causing several academic malcontents to take the Fifth Amendment, and a few more to recommend that he sod off. The Minister for Being Related to the Foreign Secretary has claimed that whole thing was just a badly-expressed bit of research which has been taken out of context, and that invoking the name of Lenin is unjust because Heaton-Harris, like most Conservative ministers, was not interested in dispelling false consciousness; which seems convincing enough.

Not only that, but foreign malcontents and their various fifth columns in the non-Eton community are showing their Nazi-style proclivities by demanding, of all things, clarity as the price of further academic collaboration between Euro-wog universities and the mainland. Although Her Majesty's Government is deservedly famous for its immunity to mere research, there is the student vote to think about, and a rather limited time-scale for ministers to learn their humanising lines about their favourite emojis and funniest trips to the food bank. The university is indeed a cruel mistress; which presumably is why the Conservatives believe that everyone should pay to get in.