Charity Begins at Home

Among the financial benefits of turning the European Union from a market into a competitor will be the freeing-up of repressed squillions which could be used to pay for free trade elsewhere, according to the Minister for Monetising Global Poverty. At present the squillions are diverted to Brusso-Strasbourgian bureau-wogs to be used for "humanitarian" purposes while British tax-dodgers languish in the strangulating coils of Stalinist red tape. Priti Patel intends to reclaim those squillions for genuinely humanitarian use, viz. the British national interest. Presumably this translates into Oldspeak as a few Nissan-style bribes, once the triumph is complete, to reassure whatever investors we may have left; although to be fair, the chances of Britain's becoming an impoverished Third World country within the next few years are looking increasingly good. It remains unclear for the moment whether Patel's rescued squillions will be in addition to the famous £350 million a week which the Imperial Haystack intends reclaiming from the side of a bus.