The Curmudgeon


Tuesday, September 05, 2017

God Wants You for a Gluteal Positioning System

It appears that the great American marriage of Jesus with Mammon may be theosophically closer to the church mice of the Anglican Communion than either would care to admit. The $Reverend Joel Osteen, a millionaire Texas saviour-salesman, was criticised for closing the doors of his sixteen-thousand-soul mug market over the weekend Hurricane Harvey flooded Houston: an act of charity which was, morally speaking, not a million miles from the authorities at St Paul's Cathedral calling in the City of London goon squad to hose the poor off their doorstep some years ago. Now that the emergency is over and normal cash-flow has been resumed, the $Reverend Osteen has been lecturing his disciples on the proper reaction. In the first place, obviously, one must refrain from being miserable at one's lot, "because that’s just going to bring you down". There's nothing like feeling low to bring a person down: an inspired spiritual profundification that no Anglican cleric could dispute. The $Reverend also denounced those who wonder why things happen; it is just possible that the Church of England, which likes a bit of hand-wringing now and then, might differ with him on that point. "You've just got to turn it over and say 'God, you're still on the throne'," the $Reverend concluded mystically. Presumably few Anglicans would disagree about where God sits, but it's a rather subtle question whether He requires an arse to inform Him.


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