Renewable Vote Initiative

In a renewed orgasmification of strength and stability, the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK has gone away with the fairy-bashers, shaken the magic bigot tree and given the pot of gold for a handful of dust. Since the DUP would never bring down the Government, agreement or no agreement, because by so doing they would bring to power a Sinn Féin sympathiser with the same initials as Jesus Christ, the Conservative and Unionist Party has agreed to pay them several times the cost of Arlene Foster's little indiscretion as a reward. As often happens with the Not Awfully Bright Party's cunning plans, the problems are already beginning to show, with all the other uppity Celts demanding a handout as well; even the Liberal Democrats, who propped up the Conservatives for five years at what must, by comparison, be considered bargain rates, may finally stop hanging around the rose garden. "While our schools are crumbling and our NHS is in crisis, Theresa May chooses to throw cash at ten MPs in a grubby attempt to keep her cabinet squatting in No 10," squealed the recently-martyred Tim Farron, whose party's noble record of voting against cuts to health and education between 2010 and 2015 is doubtless a matter of record somewhere or other. Perhaps some of the money to pay the terrorist-supporting homophobes of the DUP may be found in the profits from arming the terrorist-supporting homophobes of the head-chopping House of Saud; although it remains as yet unclear how long the back-bench baboons will be able to wait before demanding their own hundred million apiece for keeping the dead-eyed warden in office.