No Britons Hurt

At least thirty-three non-Londoners, many of whom are believed to have been Arabs masquerading as civilians, were today prevented from inconveniencing Westminster thanks to an airstrike by the US-led coalition for British values in Syria. A separate US chastisement of a mosque last Saturday resulted in the removal of at least fifty-two more non-Londoners, none of whom are now expected to end up in Calais, threatening British jobs and thereby causing rumbles of discontent at the Westminster trough. Indeed, today's non-Londoners may have been attempting to shelter from the fighting, thereby leaving themselves open to the charge of being potential refugees. Despite Britain's status as a major supplier of armaments to head-chopping Islamic fundamentalists in the region, significant casualties were apparently minimal.