A Certain Culture

Seven persons of the brown persuasion have been found guilty of malicious drowning by officials of the Conservative district council responsible for Camber Sands. Although the council had decided, against the recommendation of some loony lefties at the RNLI, that lifeguards were a needless expense, the seven very selfishly took it upon themselves to drown during July and August, thereby unnecessarily calling into question Britain's hard-working culture of efficiency savings. Officials noted that the beach's attraction of "predominantly non-British visitors has been an increasing issue" and complained of "incidents of non-swimming persons of a certain culture that enter the water in great numbers with deadly results." Meanwhile, the free press did its part by falsely denouncing the men as unable to swim, unable to speak English and as illegal immigrants trying to swim into British jobs. The coroner is investigating what public safety measures might be adopted; since the local House of Commons expenses claimant happens to be the race-baiting Clegg-pledger Amber Rudd, we may safely trust that any rescue industry personnel who are employed will receive appropriate incentivisation to prioritise the deserving and the indigenous.