In a feast of learning to rival Professor Michael Gove's ground-mucking lectures on mathematics, mere experts have once again been set to rights by the inspired blathering of a Conservative turncoat. The parliamentary expenses claimant for the Farage Falange has turned his master's degree in British Imperial History to good use by overturning some misconceptions about the workings of the tides; which, for reasons doubtless having to do with political correctness, militant feminism and the depredations of unreconstructed fuzzy-wuzzies, most scientists seem to think are influenced mainly by the moon. Unfortunately for them, mere scientists rely for their knowledge on the Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica of Isaac Newton, which is written in foreign; whereas the distinguished Professor Carswell has the practical common sense that comes with a constituency by the seaside. The parliamentary expenses claimant for the Farage Falange has, after all, spent his career at Westminster, not in some strange, otherworldly, publicly-subsidised bubble of collective self-regard. Hence, the distinguished Professor Carswell recently, and not at all sycophantically, rated his support for the Falange's new leader at 110 per cent; while Newton, among his many other errors, most likely believed that the percentage of a whole could not exceed a hundred.