350 Million Raccoons A Week to Spend on the NHS

Our native racists may be restless, our economy may be traumatised on a scale to dwarf even the Osbornomic miracle, and our Foreign Secretary may be Boris Johnson; but at least we are safe at last from the foreign interference that prevents free-born Britons from importing a red-eared slider or a virile crayfish into the rented castle they call home. Meddling Euro-wogs have just imposed yet more regulations designed to strangle the buccaneering entrepreneurialism of the British ecosystem; but all such invasive bureaucracy will be in vain once we've taken back control of our borders. The Johnsonian eloquence of the North American bullfrog, the Davis-like political enlightenment of the Asian hornet and the Werrittyesque intellectual depth of Persian hogweed will be free to spread unfettered across the nation as soon as the newly-imposed red tape is severed by the Chinese mitten crab that is Article 50.