Why Can't They Just Breathe Less?

Mere experts are once again attempting to sully the clear blue waters of British pluck and gumption with the idea that our fine, clean-limbed children cannot cope with a bit of traffic. A study done on a few foreigners in a country where they can't even spell Anderson has found a link between air pollution and mental illness in children. The cause of mental illness in British children, of course, is that junior resources in families with shirker-level incomes are faking stress in order to get out of learning Gove's British Grammar for Toddlers in time for their eleven-months-plus exams, while meddling Euro-wogs have forbidden parents to utilise the age-old remedy of enhanced gluteal incentives against antisocial behaviour. Fortunately, our island nation is blessed with heroic, no-nonsense populists like the London Haystack, who apparently suppressed a report into the effects of air pollution so as to avoid causing unnecessary worry to hard-working families and distracting them from genuine priorities like migrant-bashing and Bozza-boosting.