New Lagoons and Blue Baboons

Among the first actions of the greenest government ever, along with token filly Caroline Spelman's attempt to sell off the country's forests, was the cutting of flood defences; following which Spelman was kicked out of the Department for Greenwashing and replaced with the climate change denier Owen Paterson. Hundreds of schemes were abolished; major flooding duly followed; Britain's Head Boy toddled about in wellies and had a bit of a burble about money being no object except when it was. An inquiry by the Environmental Audit Committee has forced publication of a report which concluded that failing to spend money on flood defences meant that flood defences became less effective, and concluded that the Government would need to maintain flood defences if it wanted to avoid flooding. The logic of this position had eluded the author of the Osbornomic miracle, and no doubt continues to be a little obscure among the intellectual élite of the Not Awfully Bright Party; but since much of the flooding affected non-expendable voters, the Bullingdons have decided that something should be done besides blaming the Labour party, and have started by restoring some of the funding they cut and calling it an increase. They have also appointed Oliver Letwin, the noted clown-without-portfolio, to come up with a twenty-five-year plan for "managing our rivers across whole catchments". It is as yet unclear how this is to be translated for the benefit of native English speakers; but likely possibilities include the more effective outsourcing of future blame to local authorities, refugees and badgers.