Freebies on the Force

Although the more elderly among us may recall a time when the Conservatives pretended to some sort of interest in maintaining law and order, the requirements of the Osbornomic miracle have long put paid to such relatively trivial considerations. Accordingly, with the decade-long decline in violent crime now terminated as efficiently as the economic recovery in 2010, the Government has decreed that cases of child abuse, terrorism and other things the Chancellor doesn't much care about may henceforth be dealt with by unpaid staff. The Home Secretary, whose marital connection with those efficient folk at G4S is virtually nonexistent, has already announced the creation of unpaid militias with police powers, including the right to hand out penalty notices or detain a scary Muslim for the half-hour it takes for the 999 call to go through. Naturally, the Chancellor has claimed to be providing "real-terms protection" for the plebs in the police, while cutting their budget by the equivalent of 3200 salaried officers; for this dereliction he was rebuked by the UK Statistics Authority, which in Whitehall circles is apparently considered both a reasonable deterrent and a proportionate penalty.