Between Us and You There is a Great Gulf Fixed

In the great tradition of its former leader, Dame Shirley Porter, Westminster council has no room for a possible victim of Middle Eastern torture who claims he has no place to lay his head. The man, whom the Sun has already nicknamed Jes the Res, is known to be a religious extremist with dangerously heretical views on property, worldly goods and other fundamentals of modern religious orthodoxy. However, despite much intemperate language and a habit of keeping female company that may have been soiled by contact with the Culture Secretary, there is no reliable evidence that he ever personally harmed anyone or shared a platform with Jeremy Corbyn. A council spokesbeing said that the borough had reached "saturation point" but that the man was welcome to whatever stable accommodation he could find, adding: "But if he causes any trouble, we'll nail him."