Clean for the Queen

The Ministry for Wog Control is recruiting gap-year students and giving them five whole weeks' training before employing them to interview asylum seekers and make real decisions about whether to pander to potential economic migrancy or kick them out in a manner befitting Queen, country and Mad Tessie May. In this brisk and economical fashion the usual red tape of degrees and four years' training for immigration lawyers has been dispensed with in favour of belt-tightening efficientisation and fast-tracking of the marauding swarms to their deserved despair and suicide. Only forty-three per cent of initial refusals are overturned on appeal, and the Ministry regards students as "quite an effective demographic; they are not looking for a long-term career with the Home Office or even a permanent contract" so that all the important jobs can be left to important people. The students' remuneration is described as "appropriate", although it is unclear whether it is quite so appropriate as the payments for those efficient G4S people, with whom the Home Secretary has almost no marital connection whatsoever.