Best for Britain

One of the most important functions of a statesman is, of course, to provide leadership and direction on matters affecting the nation as a whole. On the question of whether to allow the Euro-wogs to secede from the mainland, thereby turning the EU into a competitor and England into a North Atlantic tax haven with the moral atmosphere of North Korea, Britain's Head Boy has descended magnificently to the occasion. Several of the more idiosyncratic minds in his Cabinet - notably Chris Graybeing, the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith, and a scrounging toff called Theresa Villiers - are "staunch" Europhobes (they are not, you will note, hardline); so Britain's Head Boy has very honourably decided that the Government will face both ways on the referendum and that therefore he will have no need to resign if either side loses.