Healthy Profits

Overworked junior doctors and foodbank-frequenting student nurses will be gladdened at the news that Twizzler Lansley is unlikely to become destitute in the near future. The appointed salesman for the 2012 anti-NHS act has been out of a real job (viz. has been Leader of the House of Commons) since Britain's Head Boy, in a hilarious Bullingdon yah-boo towards the BMA, replaced him with Jeremy C Hunt. Daveybloke did try to fob the Twizzler off on the United Nations earlier this year, but for some inexplicable foreign reason the UN secretary general preferred an under-secretary for humanitarian affairs and emergency relief who had some vague inklings of experience in the field of humanitarian affairs and emergency relief. Despite his well-known affinities for the fast-food industry and obvious intellectual capacity for flipping burgers, the Twizzler will be advising private healthcare companies and working for his wife's public-relations firm. Naturally Lansley, whose love for the Britain he helped create is so profound that he intends moving to New York at the first opportunity, is bound by his honour as a politician not to make use of any privileged information which he may inadvertently have overheard during his escapade at the Department of Health. After all, Britain's Head Boy has pledged to close the revolving door between Westminster and the private-sector gravy train, and we wouldn't want that pledge to go the same way as his pledges on the deficit, the NHS, Leveson and tax credits; at least not until the electoral process has been properly gerrymandered.