The Curmudgeon


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Justly Proud

Snapshots from the venerable world of British law and order:

A have-a-go heroine has had her manslaughter sentence halved, and could be back in action in less than a year. As a mother of five, she got drunk and righteously perforated a neighbouring paedophile, thus winning herself the sympathy of all law-abiding, hard-working families. The judge noted that she "never disputed responsibility for the killing as a matter of fact, did not take the opportunity to get rid of evidence and demonstrated remorse". Having turned herself in to the police, she said to an officer, "Who houses a fucking paedophile on an estate, like, seriously? He was, like, asking for trouble"; but it is unclear whether she had any plans to take a carving knife to the landlord.

A magistrate was suspended from his position and has now resigned after donating £40 of his own money towards the depredations of an asylum seeker. The marauding swarmer in question was prevented from working in case he stole a British job, but still somehow lacked sufficient funds to pay the British state for protecting British citizens against him. The Ministry for Profitable Incarceration responded with a proclamation that "the charge [for a fair trial] is separate to the sentence and should not be considered as a mitigating factor", which certainly clears things up.

The idea of forcing people to pay for their own trial was broached satirically in the 1985 film Brazil and instituted by the walking satire Chris Graybeing and his little yellow helpers during the coalition. Graybeing's successor, the equally silly but somewhat slicker Michael Gove, is persisting with a Graybeing-era contract to sell British offender management techniques to Saudi Arabia, which has just sentenced a man to be decapitated and crucified. Gove cannot cancel the contract because, as always, the "wider interests of the British government" are at stake. Fortunately, the UK opposes the death penalty in all circumstances, so the job will be over and done with in six months. Makes you proud.


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