The Curmudgeon


Sunday, August 02, 2015


Fury at formican horror

The Prime Minister will chair a meeting of the FLATWORM emergency committee to discuss Britain's flying ant crisis, Downing Street has announced.

Panic has gripped the nation since Friday, when swarms of insects took to the air and blatantly inundated indigenous pavement resources with their alien antics.

At least some of the ants will go on to form new colonies which will result in outbreaks of hives and increasing shortages of space for affordable housing.

The Prime Minister was about to go chillaxing following a trade and democratisation mission to sell the Malaysian government some third-hand water cannons, when news of the insect inundation sent him rushing for the bunker.

Announcements of several dozen new measures to combat the crisis are expected to be announced in an announcement on Monday.

The Home Secretary is expected to announce new measures to channel the swarm's mating urges into more orderly sustainable channels by compelling them to use reputable online dating agencies or risk being stamped on by specially-workfared young people.

"Our democracy has endured for over a thousand years and has survived countless apocalyptic menaces from Hitler and the BBC to Alex Salmond," a spokesbeing foamed.

"This Government will not stand back and allow our hard-working families to be overwhelmed by swarms of sex-crazed queens from an alien, anti-capitalist culture of social collaboration and altruism.

"Britain is a tolerant nation but when you're standing on thin ice over a precipice at the last-chance saloon it's probably time to put your foot down."


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