The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Haystack Needled

Horror at H2O howitzer hiccup

The mad old cat lady at the Home Office has sprayed the London Haystack with her evil-smelling micturitions by refusing to allow him or his chum, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howitzer of the Metropolitan Firearms and Headbangers' Club, to play with their new toys.

The mad old cat lady, whose loathing for inappropriately draconian measures has been thoroughly latent until now, refused to authorise the use of water cannon on the grounds that they are unsafe and illiberal.

She cited the case of a 66-year-old Stuttgart resident who was blinded by a weapon similar to those bought second-hand by the London Haystack on the assumption that he would be allowed to have his fun.

Despite the Haystack's arguments that Huns are not the same as real people, the Home Secretary was not prepared to risk alienating voters from the country's most consistently Tory-voting age group, a spokesbeing said.

Observers were struck by the unprecedentedly rational and sensible tenor of the mad old cat lady's reservations, given that her plans for the present parliament are thought to include summary execution for migrants and the criminalisation of mineral water.

However, the Home Office insisted that there had been no U-turn and that the Home Secretary was as bonkers as ever.

"We just copied and pasted all that 'sensible' stuff from loony-left websites like the police forces of England and Wales," a spokesbeing said.

"That's why our security services need full-spectrum powers to monitor the whole internet all the time. Just imagine what might have happened if she'd had to say what she meant and gone gibbering on about her leadership bid."


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