Weird Shit

Thanks partly to the Government's affordable housing scheme for billionaires and partly to the sudden absence of Nick Clegg's head from the Bullingdon Club's toilet pipes, London's sewage has the highest concentration of cocaine in Europe, except at weekends. Underground troops in the war on drugs have proclaimed the dawn of a "rapidly developing scientific discipline with the potential for monitoring real-time population-level trends in illicit drug use". Although it remains as yet unclear what percentage of their samples were taken from between the Chancellor's ears, it is thought that a sudden spike in the population of drug-crazed rats in the capital may go some way towards explaining such phenomena as the Government's long-term economic plan and the persistence of traumatic hallucinations such as the career of Iain Duncan Smith.