Ruddy Cheek

Despite five whole years of the greenest government ever, Britain is on course to miss a binding EU target for renewable energy use. Not half a decade of badger-busting, nor the cleansing inundation of much of southern England, nor even the blithering genius of Owen Paterson have been enough to satisfy the Euro-wogs, who continue to insist that the UK's sovereign government should alter its democratic will as sanctified by Magna Carta and the blessing of Rupert Murdoch. The degree of seriousness with which Britain's Head Boy regards the need for renewable energy may be observed in his appointment to the relevant ministry of Amber Rudd, whose qualifications include a career as a journalist, venture-capitalist gofer, and "aristocracy co-ordinator" on Four Weddings and a Funeral. Conservative policy on renewables is mainly intended for the protection of helpless innocents like Shell and BP, and Rudd is reportedly trying to end subsidies for onshore windfarms a year earlier than even the Liberal Democrats would have allowed.