Cancer? It's Your Own Silly Fault

Since the Government has no business improving the lives of people who cannot afford private healthcare, the Minister for Health and News Corporation has ordered the proles to start looking after those left behind. It is unheard-of for old people to have no living friends or relatives; therefore the sad and profitless deaths of customers for council-funded funerals must be due to a lack of family values among the benefits-claiming classes, whom Hunt now urges to adopt a granny during their copious free time. Hunt also urges the little folk to eat their greens, take proper exercise and perhaps follow the example of Britain's Head Boy and chillax a bit now and then, because unhealthy lifestyle choices are putting pressure on that precious NHS for which Hunt and his chums have shown such overwhelming concern.