Lansley Disaster: UN Denies Relief

Years of patient and tactful Bullingdon Club diplomacy look set to be scuppered by the uppity wogs at the United Nations. Britain's Head Boy has been trying for simply ages to find a new sinecure for Twizzler Lansley to be forgotten in, and UN under-secretary general for humanitarian relief evidently seemed just the job. However, the UN has other ideas, and certain deranged anarcho-Stalinist voices are even whispering that the post really ought to go to someone who is qualified to do the work. Of course this is anathema to a Head Boy who put a climate change denier at the Department of the Environment, a legal ignoramus at the Ministry of Justice and a jabbering brace of Murdoch drones at Health and Education. Britain's Head Boy has done his best to appease the wogs as far as conscience will allow, by suggesting other choices for the position; since the brilliant Duncan Smith is unavailable, he has nominated Caroline Spelman, who might just about be competent to privatise a tree or two in the rainforests before having them chopped down; and Stephen O'Brien, an underling's underling whose qualifications include being in the Government and being a member of the Conservative Party. Whether the uppity wogs at the UN have sufficient breadth of vision to accept these outstanding prospects still remains to be seen.