Jesus Christ, Webinar

In yet another desperate flounder at connecting buttocks with pews, a Conservative member of the House of Donors and sometime purveyor of sonic saccharine to the masses has urged churches to get themselves fitted with wi-fi. The Government, backed by Baron Lloyd Webber of Buenos Aires, evidently thinks churches are a much better place for web-surfing proles to congregate than some nasty, unspiritual public library; and the Baron has gone so far as to proclaim that "they should go back to the medieval traditions, which is that the nave of the church is always used for local businesses." It is just possible that some local businesses are capable of electronic communication without benefit of clergy; but the advantages to the nation's moral life are presumably clear enough. In between conducting local business by laptop across the nave, one might even find time for a second or two of quiet contemplation before sending off a batch of copy-and-paste prayers. In keeping with this holy aspiration, Baron Lloyd Webber took the opportunity to promote his own little business by throwing in a plug for his latest at the Palladium, which has been spiritually invigorated by "what you might call an American theatre babe".