The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Thank You For Dialling 999

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(Twenty seconds of electronically-enhanced non-copyright music)
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"Good morning, customer. Thank you for dialling 999. You have been transferred to NHS England Rapid Dispatch brought to you by NHS England in partnership with Serco, BAE and Macdonald's. If you or a member of your family has a life-threatening condition, our aim is to help with prompt and appropriately targeted ambulance responsivity solutions. Please help us to personalise our response to your needs in accordance with the appropriate response to your needs. If you are calling about a life-threatening condition which will probably not be fatal for twenty minutes or more, please press 1. If you are calling about a life-threatening condition which will probably not be fatal for between ten and nineteen minutes, please press 2. If you are calling about a life-threatening condition which will most likely be fatal in the next nine minutes, please press 3. For shareholder information, including how to invest in Britain's health, please press 4. To hear about our exciting range of ambulance responsivity related products, please press 5. Please answer correctly and be prepared to back up your choice with the appropriate documentation, otherwise you may be liable to withdrawal of services and a fine of up to £400 in addition to any prescription charges. To hear these options again, please press the hash key. Thank you for telling us about your life-threatening condition and thank you for calling NHS England Rapid Dispatch."

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