Just the Man

Britain's Head Boy has once more demonstrated that, whatever the ravages of his various holidays, that purple-jowled imitation of an imitation statesman still contains a full-blooded Bullingdon sense of humour. He has nominated Twizzler Lansley for nothing less than the role of undersecretary for humanitarian affairs at the United Nations. Lansley is the former health secretary who shovelled aside the public, the British Medical Association and the Ghost of Little Ivan™ in order to re-organise the NHS along lines suggested by private health companies and the fast food industry, and handled the public-relations aspect so charmingly that his reward was to be fired at the first opportunity and replaced with the spad-busting Murdoch drone Jeremy C Hunt.

The UN, of course, is nearly as big a thorn in the average Conservative love-handle as the EU. It is an unruly collection of foreigners which has, on occasion, had the temerity to meddle in sovereign British affairs like poor-bashing and wog disposal; so Lansley, the health minister who wanted to legislate away his office's responsibility for health, is a near-perfect choice. Whatever humanitarian projects he cannot wreck by incompetence, design or dishonesty will be more than made up for by the election-year prestige which Britain's Head Boy will gain among his back-bench baboons by this blithe trashing of the UN's restaurant. One can virtually hear the flick of the finger as the crumpled five-pound note is projected with unerring accuracy into the darkie-looking waiter's eye-socket.