Hard-Working Consumers

In a stark illustration of the moral dangers of stem cell research, scientists have grown the first artificial Young Conservatives. The miniature creatures were bred in petri dishes and when fully formed are brainless, legless, hollow and prone to ulceration, while their interior workings are ruled almost entirely by glands and pits; hence, virtually the only thing that distinguishes them from normal Young Conservatives is their size. Called flatulating eructoids by scientists, they are not quite so inarticulate as their natural-born counterparts, but researchers say they are nevertheless fully belch-capable and fart-ready at all times. Many of the more advanced individuals can already digest the Murdoch press and spew out gobbets of natural fragrance in response.

Since none of them are women, the creatures are expected to take little more than a generation to replace those parts of the parliamentary Conservative Party which have not already been replaced by UKIP, the English Defence League and the Labour Party. The Prime Minister was offered one to keep, but refused on the grounds that he thought there was still a bit of mileage left in Little Ivan.