Happy Halloween

Thanks in large part to the policies of successive greenest governments ever, Halloween 2064 is expected to be the warmest on record, with sunburn, heatstroke and and skin cancer expected to hit record levels for the time of year.

The Government believes that hard-working families who work hard and want to get on are entitled to make their own decisions about how best to take advantage of Britain's rich heritage of traditional commercial festivals, or "holidays" as older dementians still sometimes call them.

Nevertheless, it is important to remember that 99% of people have duties as well as rights, so the following guidelines should be borne in mind.

Each generation has its own monsters. With just under 29% of Britain now covered by Lake Paterson, costumes with an aquatic theme are recommended. Water-sprites, creatures from black lagoons and sea-monsters have a much higher buoyancy than cloaked vampires or over-sized Frankenstein creatures.

If you have been wading through the shallows of Lake Paterson or its tributaries, take care to dry yourself off before trick-or-treating at a wealthy home, as many such homes have electrical anti-terrorist devices installed. Mixing water and electricity without due care and attention can cause inconvenience to home-owners and occasional fatality to others.

The badger count tonight is expected to be medium to high. Wear protective clothing at all times. Remember that it is your responsibility not to hinder patrol boats, shotguns, grappling irons, water cannon, mini-nukes or drones with any part of your own or your children's anatomy.

Happy Halloween! Merry Pre-Christmas! Shop early for the warmest Easter on record!