Fantastic Preparations

The London Haystack has had a bit of a blather about Ebola, which is bound to arrive at these shores sooner or later because nobody bothers to check piccaninnies for germs when they depart Bongo Bongo Land. The chief medical officer expects a handful of cases in the next few months, which is clearly grounds for a national emergency from which the London Haystack and his chums can later claim to have saved us. Fortunately, since armed intervention is the answer to everything these days, Britain has sent a hundred and seventy-five troops to Africa "to help with efforts to contain the disease".

Even in the absence of water cannon, such measures are not yet likely to be required in London: "We have very good healthcare in this city," blathered the Haystack; "considerably better, alas, than they have in Africa", although given a chance the Conservatives will undoubtedly remedy this. After five more years of putting the boot in, London's healthcare will almost certainly be equal to anything on offer in Mali or the Democratic Republic of the Congo, at least where the malingering proles are concerned. As to the remainder, Britain's Head Boy himself has proclaimed that the Conservatives will "keep our own people safe here in the UK", so we can all rest assured that the private sector will do its part to protect the people who matter.