Do as You're Told or the Foot Gets It

Britain's Head Boy has given the Euro-wogs a bit of a ticking off for not bucking up their ideas and reforming sufficiently to keep the back-bench baboons on-side until next May. Nevertheless, he is magnanimously prepared to give them one last chance to mend their ways. Daveybloke was burbling from the Rochester campaign trail, so obviously his burblings were intended less for Brussels or Strasbourg than for any Little Englanders who may be voting in the approaching by-election. Daveybloke burbled about his patriotism, his passion and his pride, but seems for the time being to have refrained from waving Little Ivan about. Daveybloke burbled about Britain being a voice for free trade, deregulation and killing brown people; nevertheless, he believes that "the rest of Europe actually wants us to stay" because Britain has "contributed massively to European prosperity and progress, over not just the last few years but over centuries". In return for continuing to confer the privilege of our belligerent, whiny, law-breaking presence, Daveybloke wants access to Europe's markets and a say over how those markets work. Daveybloke also reminded the Euro-wogs that Britain is a country called Britain. How the Euro-wogs respond to the ultimatum will presumably depend on how much they enjoy the spectacle of a jumped-up office boy pointing a pistol at his own foot and threatening to fire if his demands aren't met.