Toughing It Out

Here is how Chris Graybeing, the Minister for Justice and Heterosexual Hostelry, is improving the prison system. According to his department's own figures, serious assaults, escapes and deaths in custody have all risen. A quarter of prisons have been given poor performance ratings, and the number of prisons where conditions are rated as being of official concern has risen by a hundred and thirty-three per cent. Graybeing is likely to be most concerned about the sixty-nine per cent rise in suicides, since he probably considers DIY death an unearned privilege, like reading or rehabilitation.

One aspect of the system has been doing consistently well: the probation trusts, which were all rated good or exceptional during the past year of operation. As of last month, Graybeing has abolished them.