Daveybloke the Diplomat

Another diplomatic triumph by Britain's Head Boy has ended up more or less as expected, with the appointment of a ghastly foreigner as president delegate of the European Commission. Jean-Claude Juncker is the favoured candidate of the European People's Party, the mainstream right-wing bloc from which Britain's Head Boy defected because it wasn't UKIP-friendly enough. Instead, the Conservatives joined a far-right rabble of chancers and Holocaust deniers, and UKIP were duly annihilated, to an extent which this spring became moderately clear even to Britain's Head Boy.

Daveybloke dislikes Juncker because he is "the ultimate Brussels insider," which must inevitably be anathema to anyone with the populist instincts and democratic credentials of the millionaire junior salesman from the Bullingdon Club. Daveybloke would presumably have preferred the honour to fall upon someone genuinely trustworthy, like Fred Goodwin or Rebekah Brooks. In order to stop Juncker, Daveybloke has mostly resorted to squealing that the mainland will stop speaking to the Continent unless the Euro-wogs fall into line; if nothing else, this has at least enabled him to forge a grand alliance with Hungary, which will no doubt come in handy the next time he decides to squabble with Germany, France and suchlike insubordinate pipsqueaks. Certainly the Euro-wogs still have much to learn from the nation that won the First World War and has also held Costa Rica to a goalless draw.