Bottom Right

I have received an election leaflet from the political wing of UKIP, which has also bought up the front and back pages of the local free newspaper. Apparently the late depression was all Labour's fault, and nothing at all to do with anyone whose bonuses George Osborne might be fighting the Euro-wogs to keep inflated. Well, that settles that.

The leaflet is a good British sheet of A4, professionally folded with two good British folds, with much good British mention of fighting Britain's corner and the global race and hardworking people who want to work hard and play by the rules but, mirabile dictu, nothing about being all in it together. To compensate for this omission, there is a picture on the front of Britain's Head Boy with his mouth open. Presumably he is giving the recalcitrant ticks of Brussels a good telling-off, and perhaps even threatening to veto their place in Big School, because the leaflet informs me that the political wing of UKIP wants Real Change in Europe. The mainstream wing of UKIP, which is to say the gibbering likes of Amir Latif, "simply can't deliver on anything they promise". Also, Labour and the Deputy Conservatives "won't stand up for Britain". The Real Conservative leaflet says all this twice, so it must be true.

The Real Conservatives, for their own part, have a Long-Term Economic Plan, of which the first point is Reducing the Deficit. There was a time when the Real Conservatives' promise was to eliminate the deficit within the space of a single parliament; but the Real Conservatives, unlike the Farage Falange, simply almost deliver on some of their promises. Another point on the Long-Term Economic Plan is Creating More Jobs, and we all know what brilliant results have already been achieved through wage cuts, workfare and hanging the self-employed out to dry. A further point on the Long-Term Economic Plan is Delivering the Best Schools and Skills for Young People so that they can succeed well enough in the global race to stack shelves in Poundland, if not pay back their tuition fees. This point on the Long-Term Economic Plan is, of course, in the hands of Michael Gove, so charity forbids further comment.

The most important part of the leaflet, as far as seeing off the Farage Falange is concerned, is of course Capping Welfare and Reducing Immigration, "so that our economy delivers for people who want to work hard and play by the rules". People claim social security because they do not want to work hard; immigrants never play by the rules. The distinction between the Farage Falange and the Real Conservatives should here be self-evident; namely that UKIP, like the BNP, simply cannot deliver on its promises, while the Real Conservatives are always happy to witch-hunt a wog or kick a struggling prole. Unfortunately, I was myself claiming benefits for some time quite recently, and even did some voluntary work, which places me firmly in the skiver camp; sometimes I even fraternise with immigrants. Clearly I would make a most unworthy addition to the Real Conservatives' constituency, even if I were hard-working and rule-abiding enough to marry my money and lie on my CV, like the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith.

But what of the Euro-wogs? Well, children: "people feel that the EU is heading in a direction we never signed up to - that it's costing British taxpayers too much and we have lost control of our own affairs." I wonder why people might feel that, given the famous variety, honesty and independence of the British press. Anyway, despite having lost control of its own affairs, the Government has done all sorts of nice things in the interests of Putting You Back In Control: tax cuts for the rich, starvation for the unemployed, workfare to create jobs, immigrant-bashing within the arbitrary limits set by the Euro-wogs, and saving money that might have gone into Eurozone bailouts in order to throw it at G4S, Serco and Royal Mail profiteers. Strangely enough for the greenest government ever, the leaflet does not mention Britain's plucky defiance of the EU's laws on environmental pollution, which has done so much for our children's potential in the global race towards universal asthma.

Inside the leaflet (at the bottom right, appropriately enough) is a picture of eight Real Conservative candidates posing with Britain's Head Boy, with a number key so we can tell them all apart. The numbers are out of sequence on the picture and, bizarrely enough, on the key as well; apparently the Real Conservatives' well-known trouble with figures goes even deeper than previously thought. If elected to serve with the Latvian Waffen-SS fan club and the Real Conservatives' other charming friends in Europe, the candidates will Fight Britain's Corner and will "stand up for Britain's interests and not their own careers", because Real Conservative politicians are carefully screened in order to eliminate mere careerists.