Batten Down the Letterbox

I am in receipt of an election communication from the Farage Falange. The Falange's candidate for a place in the expenses-claiming community in Europe is one Gerard Batten, a fleshy-faced chap in a suit who looks remarkably well-fed considering his refugee status. "Help us to help you get our country back by joining the fastest growing political movement in Britain," urges Gerard Batten; apparently I am to understand that the fastest-growing movement in Britain is the Farage Falange and not Political Islam after all. Those eighteen words are the only words permitted Gerard Batten on the entire leaflet; it would of course be uncharitable in the extreme to wonder if this might be because Gerard Batten holds the kind of opinions on wogs and women that have recently brought the Farage Falange so much amusing publicity.

"4,000 people a week come to live in Britain from the EU," squeals the leaflet. Of course none of them pay taxes, employ natives or ever go back home again, so "Enough's enough". The leaflet further asserts that "In the EU, we can't control our own borders", while of course the pesky French and the rest of them can all control theirs; which doubtless is what prevents the likes of Gerard Batten from finding a comfortable home in a society whose openness and tolerance approaches their own. "Unlimited immigration costs British jobs", which would certainly be alarming if we had unlimited immigration. "Cheap labour pushes down British wages" and "Schools, health and welfare are under pressure" - not because of anything bankers like Nigel Farage may have done, but because of the Euro-wogs and their puppets in Westminster.

The reverse of the leaflet is occupied by a message from the Caudillo himself, which is several times longer than the echt-BNP soundbite granted to his minion on the front. Not only have we lost control of our borders, but we also "have no control over who we trade with, how much we pay to heat our homes and feed our families or how we just get on with our lives." Regrettably, the Caudillo does not indicate whether he believes that the profits made by the Big Six energy cartel are determined in Brussels or in Strasbourg. Nor is there any indication as to what the Farage Falange has to offer in order to boost British wages, relieve the pressure on schools, health and welfare, or control energy prices. The idea seems to be that more patriotism and fewer Euro-wogs would do the trick; but, assuming he ever gets control of his own party, I am sure even the Caudillo of the Farage Falange has more in mind than that.