National Liberal British Workers' Party

After four years of tax cuts, privatisation and food banks, it seems that some uncharitable persons are casting doubt upon the Conservative Party's charitable intentions towards the little chaps. Accordingly, the Bullingdon Club has delegated a couple of working-class role models to re-brand the party for the great unwashed. One of the role models is the post-Thatcher interregnum whose Classless Society rhetoric was an equally effective, if possibly less insincere, precursor to Daveybloke's guff about his Big Society thingy. The other role model is the grinning spiv Michael Green, whose main achievements are shady doings on the internet and insulting representatives of the United Nations. Together, these two champions of the deserving poor will be fronting a campaign in the style of New Labour, whereby long-term economic plans will be set out on pledge cards so that hard-working families can enthuse without pausing too long in the struggle to get on. The pledges, so far, include tax cuts, social security cuts, wog-bashing, reducing the deficit and "delivering the best schools," all of which the Bullingdon Club and Lynton Crosby evidently consider the stuff of prole Utopia. Aside from the fact that the deficit was meant to be gone by now, and the welcome retirement of that flaccid old joke about protecting the NHS, it looks as if rumours of the disappearance of the Conservatives' 2010 manifesto have been slightly exaggerated.