Cure Found for Global Warming

Ministers in action urge

Volcanic eruptions can cure global warming according to a study in the journal National Geoscience, which has prompted renewed hope in the beleaguered forefront of the continuing war against non-profitable climate change.

The coalition has responded by blaming the last Labour government, a bloated public sector, benefits scroungers and asylum seekers, and by urging other countries to "do something."

Although the British Isles themselves contain no active volcanoes, environment spokesbeing Ed Davey said that the problem of climate change required a globalised response.

"Climate change is everyone's problem, and Britain will do its share and shoulder its own grindstone," Davey said, referring to coalition plans to let G4S and Serco bid for contracts in terrestrial crust management.

"We will invite relevant companies to tender for a fair and rigorous bonus structure in return for ensuring a modernised and continuing service in eruptive activity," a spokesbeing for the business secretary announced.

Owing to the practice of shale fracking, Britain is expected to undergo an increase in earthquakes, which Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has said are "much the same sort of thing" as volcanic eruptions.

Global warming has also been slowed down over recent years by sunspots and the Chinese. Plans to privatise sunspots may be included in the 2015 Conservative manifesto.