Selling His Grandmother at a Reasonable Rate

Twizzler Lansley's former flunkey at the Department for Health Profiteering, Paul Burstow, claims to have uncovered a national scandal: hundreds of thousands of older people are being abused in their own homes by carers or relatives. These figures take no account of those left to the tender mercies of Southern Cross and its ilk, so the true number may be somewhat higher. Rather than doing anything heretical, such as providing better resources to relieve stress on carers and prevent vulnerable people being trapped in their homes, Burstow suggests turning social workers into policemen and changing the law so that homes will be easier to invade. He also wants new offences of neglect and corporate neglect to be put on the statute books, which Daveybloke will doubtless welcome as an opportunity to outlaw Work Capability Assessment appeals and bolshie nurses, respectively. Burstow will be meeting Britain's Head Boy to discuss how best to profit from the crisis; judging by the ideas he has already put forward, he probably has a fair chance of a new fagging assignment the next time Daveybloke sacks a Deputy Conservative.