Their Gruel is Still Too Thick

The scroungers' culture of the desolate north has made itself felt once more in a deplorable armed incident involving two hoodlums with knives. Apparently on a maniacal quest for quiche, rather than the natural northern diet of fried lard with lager, they broke into a café in Berwick-upon-Tweed during the night; and when the police arrived the criminals triggered a five-hour standoff by refusing to come out. No shale frackers were harmed during the incident, and according to one of the café's owners the malefactors were motivated by a base proletarian urge towards non-hunger rather than by any nobler sentiment, such as the love of money or eatery vandalism, that would have made them worthy in the eyes of the Bullingdon Club. In a way, of course, we are fortunate that the incident took place in Northumberland rather than anywhere Britain's Head Boy might have heard about it; otherwise his mad old cat lady might even now be drawing up emergency legislation to slap a ban on quiche.