A Sad and Shocking Thing

A very public but very civilised divorce was played out in Eastleigh today as Nick Clegg's separation from reality received formal confirmation. Despite his long and intimate acquaintance with the Bullingdon Club, Wee Nicky claimed to see no reason why the by-election should not be conducted "in a grown-up, forthright way" between the confidence tricksters in the orange corner and the braying oafs in the blue. Wee Nicky acknowledged that people would be worried about jobs, housing and fair taxes, then urged voters to elect a candidate from the coalition, which has sacked hundreds of thousands of people, shrugged off the housing crisis and thrown money at the rich while demolishing social security. Best of all, Wee Nicky said that the by-election was a great opportunity for the Deputy Conservatives to highlight their achievements, which are so very distinguishable from the Conservatives' achievements and so very spectacular that they all seem to have slipped my mind for the moment. "I personally am always against any kind of whiff of stitch-ups because it is important to give people a choice," Wee Nicky proclaimed, repudiating in a single sentence the entire coalition agreement and the abolition of the National Health Service.

The Deputy Conservatives do in fact have a chance at winning Eastleigh: they own the council, and their Real Conservative opponent is a right-wing lunatic who stood in 2010 and managed to increase Chris Huhne's majority by a substantial margin. It remains to be seen what effect, if any, will result from the ongoing tragic estrangement between Wee Nicky and the physical universe.