The Millers of God Grind On

It appears that Maria "The Motivator" Miller was too busy totting up her expenses to consult the Established Church over the vexing issue of equal marriage rights. The Church of England and the Church in Wales have both expressed shock and horror at the Government's "quadruple lock", which means they are the only churches to have complete, super-condom protection against pollution from gay ceremonies. "There was no indication at all that, as a church, we would be completely exempt," said a spokesbeing; "it makes us look like we're exclusive and we're different to the other churches", all of which have the monarch as their titular head and free seats in the Lords.

As usual, the Church wants it both ways. It wants to keep its exclusive rights while being treated like everyone else. It wants to keep the gay portion of its shrivelling stock of believers, and it also wants to keep them in their place. It wants the law to deliver it from the evil of schism, and it also wants to be above the law; and, as with the infamous episode at St Paul's Cathedral, it wants to pose as a moral institution through having its dirty work done by others. Unfortunately, in this case the dirty work has fallen to the jumped-up saleswoman at the Ministry of Cultchah and Prolefeed, who is interested only in placating the chimps' tea party on the Conservative back benches. It remains to be seen whether the Church will settle for a token protest followed by resigned acquiescence and further bumbling towards oblivion; or whether it will realise that this is no mere question of God versus Mammon, and actually put up a fight.