Muddied Oafs

Now that Daveybloke, George Osborne, Willem den Haag and even Twizzler Lansley have all had a turn dunking Wee Nicky's head in the toilet bowl, it is only fair that the holder of the remaining great office of state should have a bit of fun as well. Daveybloke's mad old cat lady is minded, if that is the word I want, to build upon the young master's recent veto of the Continent by opting out of a hundred and thirty measures of judicial co-operation with the rest of Europe. Having thus asserted British sovereignty and triangulated yet further towards the siren gibbering of the Save the Pound, Keep Britain Motoring, Two World Wars and One World Cup brigade, the Minister for Deportation may be minded, if that is the word I want, to opt part of the way back in.

Britain's Head Boy is himself attending a summit at Brussels this week, during which he will be informing the foreigners of their obligations towards Britain's bankers; but it is as yet unclear precisely what degree of enthusiastic co-operation with the whims of Nigel Farage may be expected from the lesser breeds. Accordingly, it is possible that the Government may seek memoranda of understanding, such as New Labour arranged with its chum Colonel Gadafi, in order to ensure that the rights and freedoms of British crooks and spooks are not unduly infringed.

For his own part, Wee Nicky regards the whole business as an "open goal" for the Deputy Conservatives. Fans of triple tuition fees, lovers of the anti-NHS act and admirers of the Lords reform abortion will be waiting and watching to see how Wee Nicky and his chums make this goal yet another of their own.