Green Stuff

The weird little spiv who recently replaced the token female BNP Muslim as chair of the Daveybloke slash-and-crash club looks set to provide yet further distraction from the Osborne economic miracle. Grant Shapps, an apparently fictional character who was written out of EastEnders on the grounds of chronic implausibility, spent some of his time on the back benches squiring his business chums around the Houses of Parliament - doubtless always with his constituents' interests uppermost in mind. As salesbeing for an internet product which fraudulently inflated website revenue, Shapps (or Michael Green, as he sometimes found it convenient to be known) invited three "internet entrepreneurs" for a meal and a tour, about which one of the three later emitted a toe-curling schoolgirl squeal: "Last week I was given an exclusive night-time tour, amidst high level security, at one of the most famous places in London - the Houses of Parliament. Accompanied by three top internet marketers. With no one else present. Apart from a watching policeman. But as he watched us I too was watching and observing my colleagues - to work out what made them so successful." Perhaps the literary style of James Patterson had something to do with it. Another of the entrepreneurs apparently used a large portion of his profits funding charitable work in India, something Michael Green was kind enough to mention in his book How to Profit From Your Diary. So clear is Shapps' conscience over the whole affair that the Green identity has now been foisted off on his wife, Belinda, who may or may not be as genuine as he.