Submarine Sunk

Fury at Osborne horror provokes succession crisis horror

Senior Conservatives are so dissatisfied with the Government that they are briefing in favour of pushing David Cameron under a bus.

Well-placed Tories have sought to reassure the public that, in the event of the Prime Minister's sudden demise, George Osborne would not be the chosen successor.

Despite Osborne's slimy demeanour, constant attacks on the poor and vulnerable, and general air of incompetence, his credit in the Conservative party has been dropping steadily.

As a shadowy psychopath living next door to a smarmy sociopath, Osborne was widely regarded as the Brown to Cameron's Blair.

For few months in opposition, Cameron did succeed at imitating Blair's appearance of sincerity, but Osborne has had difficulty imitating Brown's corresponding appearance of substance.

Osborne has also made a number of policy blunders and U-turns, and recently made an accusation against the shadow chancellor which he was unable to substantiate.

Both wings and the tail of the British Neoliberal Party regard it as unacceptable to make evidence-free accusations against people who can fight back.

Meanwhile, Cameron has lost credibility among his party by not definitively vetoing the Euro-wogs, by failing to provoke enough welfare suicides and by not starting enough wars.

"If Dave fell under a bus tomorrow, George would not be prime minister," said a self-described loyalist MP. "The same would apply if Dave were pulled apart by thoroughbred horses, or tinned to be eaten by poor people. There are all sorts of ways it could be done."