Nick Clegg Vows

Now that his plans for electoral reform, protecting the NHS and being at the heart of Europe have gone so well, Wee Nicky has been doling out some useful hints about the likely backdrops for this year's studies in abjection. Foremost among them are tax avoidance and executive pay: Wee Nicky "very much hopes" that George the Progressively Regressive will do the right thing and tell all those Conservative donors that they'd dashed well better cough up, or else. Such is the rampant feasibility of this scenario that Wee Nicky has promised that the next budget will contain "a general tax avoidance rule to stop people playing the system"; and we all know what it means when Wee Nicky makes a promise.

Wee Nicky also claimed that the Deputy Conservatives had "led the debate on irresponsible capitalism", the likes of the Occupy movement being mere fellow travellers to radical visionaries of the Danny Alexander stripe. Wee Nicky then demonstrated his party's leadership by saying that the Government "must be just as tough on bankers' bonuses as it was last year". Last year, the Government toughly allowed banks to raise the tough salaries of their professional gamblers in order to make up for any toughness in the bonuses they were still being toughly paid regardless of performance. We must hope that letting them do the same this year will not cause undue hardship.

Wee Nicky said that "he had not planned with the prime minister" for Europe to cut itself adrift from England at the EU summit last year, and reassured the rump of his party about the extent of its influence in Daveybloke's Cuddly Coalition by confirming that nobody bothered to tell him what had happened until after the event. On the bright side, Daveybloke has given his permission for Wee Nicky to host a meeting of European Liberals on Monday "to map out a new competitive future for Britain and Europe". Wee Nicky proclaimed that England could still influence Europe by doing as Wee Nicky did when Daveybloke gave his VE Day address to the Commons, and standing tall in an empty seat. In addition to leading the debate on irresponsible capitalism, Wee Nicky also promised to lead a debate on Europe, and we all know what it means when Wee Nicky makes a promise.