Mission Accomplished Reboot

Britain's leading liberal newspaper reports the latest official end of the Iraq war much as it reported the beginning, regurgitating the aggressors' press releases with an occasional coy hint that everything might not have gone quite so well as it could.

Despite two elections which were pronounced democratic by the likes of George W Bush and Tony Blair, and despite lots and lots of money in aid to Blackwater and Halliburton, and despite (most constructively of all) the "close diplomatic attention" of the oil profiteers and the cluster-bomb fans, Britain's leading liberal newspaper is regretfully obliged to note that "Iraq is still grappling with a range of issues. Basic services remain poor, the political class unaccountable, a rule of law absent" - and all this after nearly a decade of close attention from the kind of people who have made the US and Britain what they are today, to say nothing of abusing the sanctions régime to an extent which at least one administrator described as genocidal. Honestly, what can be the matter with the bloody place?

In fact, so apathetic are the natives that the president and prime minister of Iraq didn't even bother turning up to the farewell party, their seats being hurriedly filled by American military buttocks of the requisite cultural sensitivity. According to Britain's leading liberal newspaper, this makes the relationship between Iraq's government and its beloved occupiers "difficult to gauge". Britain's leading liberal newspaper quoted the US defence secretary and former CIA chief chapter and verse on the costs in blood and treasure to the United States (he thought it was worth it, in case you were wondering), but was apparently unable to find anyone willing to put their name to an estimate of Iraqi casualties. Fortunately, it turns out that most of these occurred "at the height of what became a vicious two-year sectarian war" and had nothing to do with the Coalition of the Willing at all.