The Curmudgeon


Monday, December 12, 2011

I Have to Tell You Now That No Such Undertaking Has Been Received

Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives are following up Friday's diplomatic coup with a brusque assertion of their rights as absentee landlords over buildings that don't belong to them. Since twenty-six members of the EU have cut themselves loose from the mainstream, Daveybloke and his chums see no reason why they should be allowed to use EU institutions or buildings to conduct their nefarious business. That could lead to "a potential conflict of interest", according to a spokesbeing for the bloke who claims ultimate sovereignty over City regulation and is bankrolled by City gamblers. As to what Daveybloke and his Cuddly Conservatives would do if the pathetic remnants of the EU chose to defy this latest ultimatum, and perhaps even occupy twenty-six twenty-sevenths of a building or worse - well, we do have the Tony Olympics to think about, followed in short order by the firing-up of Werritty's War against the mullahs in Iran. Our boys will need some sort of practice at distinguishing decent from non-decent wogs when they deploy their aircraftless carriers and sandbank-friendly submarines. Doubtless no option is off the table, except a negotiated peace.


  • At 9:14 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Well said goddammit.

    Gah, the Olympics. The biggest attack of satire since the Iraq war.

  • At 10:43 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    In a concession to the quasi-Olympian atmosphere of ill-will, it now appears that Daveybloke has decided not to forbid the EU the use of its own buildings quite yet; although it isn't certain whether he is trying to appease the Euro-wogs or Wee Nicky, who is so annoyed that he has allowed himself to be photographed wearing a red tie.

  • At 10:50 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    He's so pathetic.

    Did you see this?

    Scientists capture first glimpse of elusive Clegg boson

    if confirmed, discovery could explain how unemployment got its massScientists believe they may have recorded their first sighting of the elusive sub-political particle, the Clegg boson, otherwise known as The Sod Particle.

    The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself.

    ‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’

    Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether.

    ‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’

    Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’.

    Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time.

    Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’

  • At 11:00 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    That would appear to answer, at least in part, the excellent Marina Hyde's scientific inquiry:

    "whether there is a theoretical point at which a being has switch-backed on so many positions that he might simply atomise, leaving nothing but a thin coating of yellow dust and a pair of shoes he never grew into."


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